Gran Turismo Blues

My life, of late, has been utterly boring. A tight schedule, a lack of media test units and a car waiting for a replacement gear synchro have left me twiddling my thumbs at home doing nothing but watching paint dry and my daughter's favorite song and dance routines. Thankfully, I have a brand new PS3 at the house, and, to my wife's eternal disgust, I've actually had some time to bond with it.

My videogame addiction of late has focused on Gran Turismo 5 Prologue. Being a “Prologue” title means that it shows what you may or may not get in the actual Gran Turismo 5, which was supposed to be released 6 years ago (it honestly feels like we've been waiting that long). In other words, it has better graphics than Gran Turismo 4, better driving physics, a handful of cars and races, and a measly five tracks.

Now having a small selection of cars is annoying, and being able to finish all of the game's challenges in a fortnight makes for poor single-player replayability, but for a racing simulator junkie, the limited selection of tracks is the worst crime of all. The wide selection of tracks in Gran Turismo 4 has me spoiled, I'll admit. It was just so much fun to waste endless hours practicing lines on random tracks. On GT5P, you'll become so well acquainted with each track that you could probably drive them blindfolded.

Thus, with the single player experience played out, I went online, curious about the competition in the online races. At first, I was surprised that my incredibly bad internet connection actually worked with online, despite the occassional twitch lag of the other players. Second, I realized that most of those other players drove like they were actually blindfolded.

One day. That's how long I lasted. I'd start from 12th position, fight my way up to 6th, then have some idiot bump me off on the last lap, relegating me to 12th. I'd start from 6th, have someone shove me off in the first corner, fight my way back up to 6th, then get punted off again by someone else. I'd start in 1st, get punted off... fight my way back to first, then get punted off by someone who, in the previous five or six races seemed to be a good, clean driver, just as I was rounding the last corner.

No “ban” buttons. No “report to administrator” function. No “private rooms”. Nothing. It was like being stuck in a boxing ring with a bunch of gibbering monkeys carrying brass knuckles and chains.

When I actually got a fair shot at winning, the loser (the session host) turned off his Playstation and cancelled the race. The bastard.

The next day, I went back to playing solo. Next time I do multiplayer, it'll be in a face-to-face LAN contest. At least there, when you get punted off, you can smash your chair across the other guy's skull. In the meantime, I think I'll practice for quick lap times in my Suzuki Cappuchino.

Corollas

Just put up my Corolla article. Of course, I can't say on a consumer oriented site that I think it's pure merde, because, from an objective point of view, it isn't, but I'm really not feeling this car.

Which is a shame.

Corollas weren't always dull, boring econoboxes. I've never driven one that excited me much to drive, though there were some undoubtedly quick ones (Corollas with 20-valve, high revving 4AGE engines)... but I could respect the fact that they were pretty decent sport compacts. In fact, every time I see an old AE92 on those geeky four-spoked TOM'S rims, I actually stop to admire it, even if I've seen that combination a hundred times before. Corollas, before the jumbo-bodied “Altis” generation, were actually fun cars. The 9th generation “Altis” body may have had better-than-expected handling, but it was about as much fun to drive as a Toyota Hiace. This new one promised a return to the Corolla's sporting ways of old, with a more exciting, sleeker shape:



But even at the launch, just getting in the seat and feeling the suspension gently sag around you, twirling the feather light steering wheel... I'd gotten the feeling that it wasn't going to be all that.

And, surprise, surprise, it wasn't.

Now, I'm not typically anti-Toyota... in fact, I think the MR-S is the bee's knees and the AE111 is on my list of "might buy it on a lark for a secondhand toy" cars... ...but their cars of late have been disappointingly sterile in the fun department. Which is a shame... here's a company that produces great motors... ultra-stiff bodies and cars that are a few hundred pounds lighter than their competitors... they should be fun to drive, but they aren't. Now I don't know if this is part of Toyota's mass-market bias, but I don't see people dumping the Honda brand in droves just because their cars have a little extra zest.

The Corolla seems to be the pinnacle of Toyota's current addiction to novocaine. Everything is soft. The steering. The brakes. The body roll. I can honestly say I'd rather drive a Toyota Previa around the racetrack than the Corolla. At least the Previa has some balls.

And to think, the improvements needed to make the Corolla a decent car are minor. Just a little bit of tightening in the steering... a little less understeer dialled into the suspension, a tiny bit less body roll... but there's scant chance of that happening now, is there? As the Corolla sells awfully well on its own, and given that Toyota went a whole six years without changing a single damn thing on the old one, it's going to be a long wait for a "better" Corolla.