Gran Turismo Blues

My life, of late, has been utterly boring. A tight schedule, a lack of media test units and a car waiting for a replacement gear synchro have left me twiddling my thumbs at home doing nothing but watching paint dry and my daughter's favorite song and dance routines. Thankfully, I have a brand new PS3 at the house, and, to my wife's eternal disgust, I've actually had some time to bond with it.

My videogame addiction of late has focused on Gran Turismo 5 Prologue. Being a “Prologue” title means that it shows what you may or may not get in the actual Gran Turismo 5, which was supposed to be released 6 years ago (it honestly feels like we've been waiting that long). In other words, it has better graphics than Gran Turismo 4, better driving physics, a handful of cars and races, and a measly five tracks.

Now having a small selection of cars is annoying, and being able to finish all of the game's challenges in a fortnight makes for poor single-player replayability, but for a racing simulator junkie, the limited selection of tracks is the worst crime of all. The wide selection of tracks in Gran Turismo 4 has me spoiled, I'll admit. It was just so much fun to waste endless hours practicing lines on random tracks. On GT5P, you'll become so well acquainted with each track that you could probably drive them blindfolded.

Thus, with the single player experience played out, I went online, curious about the competition in the online races. At first, I was surprised that my incredibly bad internet connection actually worked with online, despite the occassional twitch lag of the other players. Second, I realized that most of those other players drove like they were actually blindfolded.

One day. That's how long I lasted. I'd start from 12th position, fight my way up to 6th, then have some idiot bump me off on the last lap, relegating me to 12th. I'd start from 6th, have someone shove me off in the first corner, fight my way back up to 6th, then get punted off again by someone else. I'd start in 1st, get punted off... fight my way back to first, then get punted off by someone who, in the previous five or six races seemed to be a good, clean driver, just as I was rounding the last corner.

No “ban” buttons. No “report to administrator” function. No “private rooms”. Nothing. It was like being stuck in a boxing ring with a bunch of gibbering monkeys carrying brass knuckles and chains.

When I actually got a fair shot at winning, the loser (the session host) turned off his Playstation and cancelled the race. The bastard.

The next day, I went back to playing solo. Next time I do multiplayer, it'll be in a face-to-face LAN contest. At least there, when you get punted off, you can smash your chair across the other guy's skull. In the meantime, I think I'll practice for quick lap times in my Suzuki Cappuchino.